So the other day I was driving myself a tad bit crazy... yes, I have those days, you are not the only one :) I couldn't quite grab hold of... whatever it was that was leaving me with this great feeling of chaos... it was as if I was inside a jar and someone took hold of it with me inside and shook it and shook and shook it, and kept shaking it some more until I had completely forgotten what it was like to not shake. I used these exact words as I was describing my feelings to my husband, "I am looking around at my life and I am seriously asking myself, 'you did this yesterday? how? how did you do this yesterday and the day before that and the day before that?'" and I don't mean I was asking myself those questions as in some sort of judgement. I meant I was asking those questions as if I had really forgotten how to do the most basic things. Laughing at me yet? ;)
Anyway, that's how it felt. It was not a good feeling. I walked from room to room, either walking towards a child who needed me or some activity that needed my attention, while another child followed me or asked me something... and the day continued. I would sit, and not know if I wanted sunshine on my face or a good night sleep. I found myself also saying this over and over again to my best friend, "I don't know.. I don't know anything. I can't think. I can't focus. I don't know anything." and I also said this, "parenting wise, I am failing miserably." That was the worst part. It is one thing to feel completely detached from yourself, it is another thing to feel like a parenting failure because of it.
The self flagellation continued as mountains and mountains of things that "needed" to get done kept following me around the house like some zombie in a horror movie. I began to stop "seeing" the world around me and instead I became just another thing in my world. I didn't really like the feeling. In the process, the clock ticked louder and louder, little hands needed my arms more and more and toys seemed to be laughing at me because as soon as I put them away, they would resurfaced yet again.
I had had ENOUGH. I knew that I knew better than this. I knew it! why then was I not able to stop this absurd cycle of insanity. Then suddenly, I heard a voice in my head. Don't worry, it wasn't one of those voices. It was a voice that I didn't quite expect. Even now, as I replay it in my head I can't help but laugh and laugh all over again. As I continued to walk from one room to another forgetting why I was standing in the room to begin with, I met Buddha... in the most amusing of voices.
...and there, I found my Zen.
"and what about these people who tell you, 'My needs aren't been met.' You know what I tell these people? DROP SOME OF YOUR NEEDS!! " George Carlin
and in the midst of laughter and a deep exhale :) I did! :)
I haven't stopped laughing since.
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